Wanna take a ride?
by idioticonion
Summary: The gang go clubbing, but the best party is always held outside the club. Explicit M/M and M/F sex. Set roughly Season 5, after Of Course.


_Summer 2009_

**1. Love games**

Robin knows that she has only herself to blame, as she pushes through the densely-packed tangle of sweaty bodies. After all, she was the one to back Marshall's suggestion that they all go to a club tonight, to show that they are "still relevant" and can "totally break it down". Robin's pretty convinced, after spending an hour in this hell-hole, that she's no longer either relevant nor has any ability to break it down. In fact, all she feels is old.

So she tries to sneak out the back for a smoke, but by the time she gets to the exit, all she feels is exhausted and bedraggled. To make matters worse, it's pouring with rain. Shielding her eyes, she peers around the alley and, blinking the water away, noticed a lone figure, ethereally-lit by a cone of weak street-lighting, who has managed to find shelter under a tiny awning and is now standing in peaceful solitude enjoying a cigarette. When he turned towards her, face wreathed romantically in plumes of smoke, she recognizes him. "Barney?" She shouts. Damn him, but if he doesn't look handsome and perfectly unruffled, with not a hair out of place. If she'd been standing out here for a half hour in the rain, she'd be soaked through, her makeup would have run all the way down to her chin, and she'd be thoroughly miserable.

He, of course, he merely smirks and beckons her over. The driving rain forces her to break into a run, almost tripping over her stiletto heels. When she reaches him, he pulls her in close, under the overhang. It's very tight, there's only really room enough for one.

"Hey, Scherbatsky." He drawls, and she can smell the whiskey on his breath. "Wanna take a ride on my disco stick?"

She scowls at him, snatches the cigarette from his fingers and takes a long drag, holding the smoke in her lungs before letting it out in a perfect "O" of a smoke ring.

Then she totally spoils the effect by coughing her guts up.

"Whoa there!" Barney says, laughing as she gets a little wetter, trying not to cough all over him. When she's just wheezing, he grabs her and pushes her against the brick wall - she can feel where it juts out into her butt.

He leans forward and kisses her, soft and first, but quickly it becomes a full-body experience, which is typical of Barney. His hands move from her face, to her breasts, to her ass, then to her thighs, the tips of his fingers hooking under the hem of her skirt. She knows that move and attempts to half-heartedly bat his hands away. But the fact is that they haven't had sex in a few days (the sneaking around is harder than it looks) and she's tired and sad and he tastes of smoke and fresh air and rain and before she knows it, her bare ass is hoisted up on the brick ledge and he's unzipping his fly.

He pushes into her suddenly, shocking her back into reality, and she cries out because it feels weirdly good, weirdly rough and ready. His hands hold her steady, take some of the weight of her on each thrust, but he lets gravity slam her back down onto him, and soon she's liquid inside, and pulsing and groaning and it's quick, too quick, before the world, the alley, the rain, even him, all whites-out and she knows nothing put pure, sweet bliss.

Which lasts only seconds because he lowers her back down to the ground with a jolt and whispers something about Lily trying to find her earlier and Robin suffers an attack of guilt and runs back into the club to find her friend. She's still adjusting her skirt and running her fingers through her hair when she pushes back into the club.

She wonders if anyone notices, or guesses what she's been doing out in the alley and she smiles, finding that she doesn't really care.

**2. I love game.**

Ted watches Robin move through the crowd and looks over at the far side of the club, wondering what's over there. He makes a zig-zag line in the general direction, and gets cornered by an extremely drunk young lady who he's pretty sure is a friend of one of the girls in his Architecture 101 class. Still, she's got amazing boobs so he dances with her for a while, grinning and swigging from a bottle that someone thrusts into his hands.

"Wooo!" He comments, because clubs are awesome.

In the back of his mind, he remembers he was supposed to be somewhere, or going somewhere. Maybe he's supposed to meet Marshall? Marshall's awesome. Marshall's a good dancer and his bestest friend in the world and is now married!

Marshall's _married_!

Ted sighs and pushes through the crowd, feeling like the little boy plunging through the racks of coats to get out into Narnia. When he finds a door, Narnia's not at all what he expected. There's no snow, only a kind of stinging rain. But there is a streetlight and a faun standing under it.

Except it's not a faun, it's Barney!

"Hey Bro!" Ted says, sprinting over to him, heedless of the rain now he feels pretty wet all over. It's actually kinda nice to cool down. Barney laughs and offers him a cigarette but Ted shakes his head. "What're you doing out here, man?" Ted asks. "You're all alone-y. Alone-y alone. It's not good to be alone!" He smiles, pleased to have made such an intelligent point.

Barney's arm snakes around his waist to steady him, before Ted's even aware that he needs steadying. The world does seem to be spinning a little bit. Spinning, but slower, especially the bits that are the warm parts of Barney, pressing against him. In fact, the warm parts of Barney make him feel surprisingly good. Too good, even. Because before he knows it, his dick swells, stiffens and jumps wide awake in his pants, and Barney's so close that he must feel it.

"Hey Ted," Barney drawls, with a wicked grin. "I wanna take a ride on your disco stick," he says, laughingly. "Or, you know, you could take a ride on mine?"

Ted's eyebrows almost cross with the effort to think. "But Barney," he says, waving a finger in Barney's general direction. "You're not gay!"

Barney chuckles, if anything, getting even closer. Ted can feel the muscle of Barney's arms and shoulders beneath the fabric of his shirt. He smells light and floral, almost girlish. It makes him groan in a kind of Pavlovian response, and lean in for a kiss.

Barney doesn't kiss like a girl. He kisses very much like a dude - combative and demanding. Not that Ted minds that, in fact, it's kinda dirty, kissing Barney in an alleyway, their tongues doing battle, their hands jockeying for competitive advantage. "Hey!" Ted protests. "Thought you said you wanted to ride on my stick!"

"Good point, dude," Barney says, as sinks down to his knees on the sidewalk and drags down Ted's zipper. The whole situation slides from dirty into kinky in two seconds flat and before Ted knows it Barney has his dick in his mouth and is sucking on it so enthusiastically that it makes Ted's toes curl and his eardrums vibrate.

"Naarg!" He groans in surprise, falling back against the wall, the brickwork digging into his back. His fingers cling to the hard surface as Barney's hands stroke and probe and as Ted's pants fall right down to his ankles, he comes with a strangled yelp and can feel Barney milk him like a freakin' cow.

He's still staring, wide-eyed, into the darkness, when Barney appears right in front of him, kisses him, and then tells him to pull up his pants.

With the lingering taste of himself on his lips, Ted manages to button his fly and lurch back towards the club. As he staggers through the entryway he can just about hear Barney yell - "Dude, if you sent Marshall and Lily out here, I'm gonna have to start charging!" - before the door closes behind him.


End file.
